Knowing that bots are able to detect plain text and mailto: links, I’ve decided to keep a running list of spammer emails posted in a new section of the site entitled Spambots. Here I’ll just be posting a running list of all the email addresses I receive when they come in via indisputable comment spam or site contact spam. You know… the ones that are pitching cheap Viagra or pimping their lastest “download free movies & ringtones” site. It probably will accomplish nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it’ll really only take about 10 minutes once a week to update the list. It might also fuck with the occasional person who hasn’t yet acquired the know-how to fully automate their spamming.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY

-and-

On second thought, I hear Adonal Foyle is an unrestricted free agent this year. Good luck Cleveland.

Dinner was great. Afterward you went window-shopping through the downtown streets all lit up for Christmas, and wound up holding hands in the corner booth of a cozy late night cafe. You suggested to go up to your place, and she readily agreed. You lit candles, and sipped wine, listening to romantic music. You were suave, sensitive and romantic. She rewarded your subtle humor with strings of silvery giggles that gave you goosebumps. She was receptive to your invitation to see your bedroom. You’ve done everything right, you had her eating out of your hand.

And then…

And then you went one step too far.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA-n2xkYX6s

www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM

That’s right, a handy-dandy little tool to help you wipe your ass.

Just a couple of things to point out, here. First being, with the ease that the paper detaches from the stick, how many times will you either find yourself pulling toilet paper out of your crack, or having to wash the stick off because it’s covered in crap? Secondly, the man who says “being a big guy has it’s advantages and its disadvantages”. Oh really…advantages? Like what? Being the first in your circle of friends to experience a coranary, maybe? Having to happily plunk down for that second seat on a flight? Not to mention the wincing looks from folks as they grabbed their shoulders. As if wiping your ass with a little too much gusto might result in a torn rotator cuff.

If you really want to revolutionize toilet paper, how about making the paper strong enough to remove all possibility of your fingers breaking through it in mid-wipe. There’s a thought…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0

Within 15 minutes it was a feeding frenzy at this trough of death. I’d estimate there were at least 500 ants were flocking to this stuff like fat people to a Cinnabon store. It was just a black, moving mass covering the bait. The next day, they were still at it, but most of the gel was already gone. So I re-applied the second half of the gel to the same area. I noticed that some ants were carrying the dead away from the house, and looked over to find a small field of ant corpses on the porch.

Within another day or two, we noticed there wasn’t a single ant in the kitchen, and nothing but a path of death and destruction across the patio between the hole and the lawn. So if you find yourself with ant troubles, definitely give this stuff a try. I’ve never seen ants decimated that quickly and thoroughly in my life.

So, for me, Combat Ant Gel get’s two thumbs and two big toes, up!!

(Also: yes, if you’re a regular or semi-regular visitor, I did change the site’s look again. Wanted to try a quasi-desktop appearance, and I think the work turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself.)

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1959 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 – Police called and SWAT team arrives – they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 – Ants die.
2009 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Much to my dismay, most results were pretty much associated with one of two schools of thought. Either conceding personal defeat and calling the ol’ pest control guy, or the “well I use soap/mint/salt/hugs/virgin sacrifices to keep them out of the house” approach. Needless to say, I wasn’t a fan of what the great oracle of google told me, because:

A: I want them dead!
B: Pest control for ants reminded me of something from my bartending days.

A pest control guy that was a regular at the place I tended bar, back in college, basically said that people with an ant problem are essentially wasting their money by calling them. Apparently people can buy an ant bait at a regular hardware store that was on par with the stuff they used. So armed with that advice, I went up to Home Depot and picked up a couple of different products to test. Combat Ant traps, Combat Ant Gel, and Terro Ant Traps were my three selections.

The first product I used was this nifty little gel by Combat. Actually, I should correct myself. The only product I used was this nifty little gel by Combat.  The ants are drawn to this stuff like Amy Winehouse to an open bar. According to the box, it’s designed to attract ants as if it were food. The ants will feast themselves silly, carry some back to the colony for others to dine on, and then after about an hour or so the poison takes over. It’s supposed to wipe the colony clean. I can definitely tell you that this stuff is worth the $6 I paid for it.

Over the last 2 days, based on the amount of ants that flock to every new application, I must have killed thousands. I’ve definitely noticed that the number of ants that make their way onto the counter is down to just a couple, here and there. They just can’t seem to ignore this gel when it’s around. Updates and body counts will follow.

War is hell, but hopefully if this stuff works as promised, you’ll all know exactly what to use if you ever find yourself having war declared on you by an ant army.